MockSted and a whole lot of other bad ideas

Ass-plant: the process where your head is replaced by your ass resulting in a continuous pattern of thinking and talking shit; a necessary procedure for higher management. This results in a lot of fucking stupid ideas and an idiotic tendency for pushing two words together in the formation of a fucking stupid idea. For instance: MockSted. I can only assume that this is further continuation of the ass obsession and the sexual high it apparently brings to watch everyone else's tighten. MockSted, in case anyone has had one of those days that diminishes brain function, is a practice OfSted. This is the brain child of our principal, a man who everyone really needs to stop laughing with because it's just ENCOURAGING HIM!. We are enabling him to tell us even more terrible jokes that are usually reserved for embarrassing dads at weddings and are made even worse by his monotone. The end of year meeting was an abysmal display of ass-kissing. He told 2 very long, exceptionally awful jokes to which everyone roared with laughter and I maniacally looked around crying "stop it. What are you doing you fools?" Much to my line managers amusement and despair. (I love it when you do naughty things in front of her, it's entertaining to watch her brain battle over being amused or managerially upset). I believe this dismal display of ring lubrication has led to a confidence that made him think we would like him no matter how bad it got. So what did he do? He went and tested that conclusion with a MockSted. This has led to the tension in the office increasing tenfold and of course lots of meetings. The saving grace of our principal is that we don't have to see him often as we are on a different site, our area manager however.... Well there's nothing that is going to save him from the hatred of the people. Actually there may be something but it includes bathing with a wire brush and a personality transplant. One might compare some of his mannerisms with a camp gay but that would be doing them a great injustice. With a gay brother (camp when he's drunk), I can honestly say he pulls those movements off with much more finesse. He's just got a face that says "punch me" and a hairstyle that's says "you'll come out of it covered in grease". He does the "air quote" sign, with one finger, All The Time. When he's not "air quoting" he's pinching the skin beneath his chin. How does someone have that much chin skin? This is all before he's even opened his mouth. This was mainly put to use this week in our 'MockSted readiness' meeting where he proceeded to tell us lots of things that I didn't notice, some stuff I did and sickened me to the point of vomiting (standard vomit not rainbow) as I had to endure him sucking on his favourite team member: Steeeeve. Steeeve knows the answers to everything. Steeeve can do anything. Steeeve stole two of my lesson plans this week! That's right people, perfect Steeeve is stealing MY IDEAS. OK stealing is a bit harsh, he asked to use them and then have me explain them. God damn it I even had to relinquish my last bag of skittles. The likelihood of me getting inspected next week is pretty low due to some genius forward planning and an off-site trip. The likelihood of Steeeve getting inspected is pretty high. Steeeve will get an outstanding. Steeeve will be giving that outstanding to me. He's not aware of this yet. However if he does not acknowledge my contribution I will take revenge 'girl with the dragon tattoo' style and tattoo abusive phrases across his head. I know we're a team and I don't have anything against Steeeve. Yes I have wanted to staple his fingers to his desk a few times but in all seriousness I cannot express the effort that I have put into these lessons and no one wants their best ideas sold as someone else's. I get enough of that from the HE manager, but that's a whole other story......a really really BIG one. (She's fat). 

In the one lesson that I may be observed next week the students will be re-vamping enclosures. One enclosure they are doing however has made me think this may be a giant mistake. I don't really care for rodents and I really don't care for rats. I've handled a lot of snakes (don't let your mind go there), and not been bitten. I've been bitten by nearly every rat I've handled. I had a pet rat when I was little. She was the bitch queen of rats. She was the empress of evil. She once made my sister bleed so bad she was probably anaemic afterwards. I have never been so happy for an animal to die! So, considering all of this why the hell would I let my students do a gambian pouched rat enclosure? Do you know what a gambian pouched rat is? It's a giant fucking rat! I blame one person for this and its not me. It was her stupid idea. Yes she may be my friend and the best person to do training with because she actually makes it fun (she is now encouraged not to go to these things because she can't be trusted to behave). However if that thing rips out my throat I'm going to designate her my speaking bitch and whack her every time she says something wrong. That's just what friends do. I can only hope that my gushing blood does not reflect poorly on my outstanding lesson. 

Vomitting rainbows and spunking rabbits

59p? 59 Fucking p? That’s how much you’re going to charge me for a crème egg nowadays. Lets skip over the fact that it’s only January and I can already see the checkout littered with eggs like a chicken brothel, I refuse to ever pay 59p for a crème egg. They’re half the size they used to be and double the price.... and with that line I am officially old. It’s also sad that this is the biggest thing that has happened to me today. I have done nothing all day. It’s always like this in January. The HE students are doing their exams and the lack of lesson planning for them seems to infect my lesson planning for the FE students as well until it becomes more appealing to have dysentery. Last week I did manage to vomit rainbows. This is not a name for some new computerised teaching system. It actually involved me eating skittles until I vomited a rainbow. For the most part it also involved interactive teaching with not a computer in sight. Well colour me rainbow, who would have thought it was possible! The sad fact is that there has been a huge drive to get computers into every single class room and make everything interactive and online. I’m not saying technology doesn’t have its place but when that beautifully sadistic error bar pops up you’re going to need to rely on being a ‘good teacher’ not a screencast. I have been lecturing both FE and HE students for 3 years and even in that time I have wanted to drill through my eyeballs as they started to add an IPad budget. Want to know why none of the young people can actually write with a pen and paper, spell or doing any maths? It’s because we give them computers that will do it all for them. I’m ranting I know but I have a lot of energy to waste due to my highly unproductive day. The only thing I really succeeded in doing (apart from becoming outraged by crème eggs) was get spunked on by a rabbit. They say not to work with animals and children; I do both. I have the joy of lecturing the post-16 age through the melancholy of animal care, conservation and pretty much anything else you wanted to know about animals. This has filled my brain with useless information like the largest animal penis in relation to body size and what happens to sheep wool if it walks through a river. This is unfortunately the things that students go away with when they leave the college. Sod what it says on their wonderful certificate about animal behaviour and welfare; they know that a ducks penis looks like a corkscrew so they’re happy. This is one of the things that actually gets me through the day; the multitude of stupid and insane questions that students ask. If it wasn’t for that, I probably would have gone on a cull by now, allowing only those I saw as worthy to live in an act of cleansing that the world would both fear and worship me for. The post 16 age is a difficult one to manoeuvre around. I have a lot of respect for teachers and their ability to keep the students from killing themselves in acts that natural selection would have seen to by now. However I refuse to let them take all the sympathy of the job of teaching. They get a lot of support (well compared to slugs entering your home through cracks that you will never find), however they have a few things in their arsenal that just disappear once they leave the school grounds. There is a certain amount of manipulation that goes with teaching an adolescent. You can mould their character slightly and threaten them with a terrible future that gets the work handed in and the exams completed. Manipulating a post 16 student with a degrading future is pointless. They have already messed up their future by achieving a G in English, the letter representing both their greasy future in the fast food industry and how far they made it through the alphabet before asking for help. They’re suddenly very aware of their own short comings and this makes it very difficult to manipulate them into any sort of work. We try to use fear of us instead. I had a student avoid me for 4 months last year for fear of being hanged due to his failure to hand in his assignment. I heard some students whispering about the castration set I keep in the office. I’m quite happy to keep these rumours going and in fact actively encourage it. Not only does it scare them into handing in their assignment for me before any other lecturer but eventually it might help to extinguish this myth that the students have that I’m a nice person who wants to hear about their problems. I’ll admit that my sanity can cross the realm of questionable at times and this can give the impression of being a happy person but in reality I just want to be left the fuck alone!

Today I managed to avoid most students as I had no lessons to teach. This seemed like a good opportunity to get some marking done, maybe prepare some lectures, write up the new semester’s lessons for when my HE students come back... and yet, nothing. I did read about a man who got strangled by a reticulated python after putting it around his neck. This kept me entertained for a good 20 minutes and I printed out copies to show my students the next time they attempt to do the same thing with any of the snakes at our site. I may edit it slightly to make it sound scarier, input their names and change the date and say it arrived in an unmarked envelope. I also got the absolute joy of it raining. Rain on its own doesn’t provide the most entertainment but watching all the students run from one building to the other, getting soaking wet because they’re ‘too cool’ to wear a coat is so good I actually put down my coffee to watch. Then of course there was the rabbit spunking. It was more a happy dribble. He’s been very horny of late and enjoyed my stroking him a bit too much. It’s nice to know that I am appealing to rabbits if no-one of my own species. You never know what reincarnation has in store. I ended the day with some safeguarding training. Training where they basically tell you not to touch kids. I never really felt like I needed to be told not to touch kids but I suppose if you weren’t told you could claim ignorance. It’s a depressing training session to be honest and about the 5^th time I’ve done it. However there seems to be a complete lack of ability to actually record my attendance at these events, or some sadistic bastard is testing me to the point of suicide. They really needn’t bother with the depressing child abuse; they’d be better just locking me in a room with the level ones; our version of Sloth from the goonies if he had violent outbursts and a fascination with prostitutes. It’s the point they tell me I shouldn’t be sarcastic at work that I decide there is nothing good that can ever come out of this repetition of training. Maybe that’s why they keep sending me back, whilst I have never shown negligence in child safety I’m clearly failing to learn some of the main points. I’ll try to work on that......... nope not going to happen. Tomorrow though I will at least try and do some actual work.