Death to all. This is the only motto that I can really live
by and has been of constant thought as the plague heads through all the staff.
Apparently my place has work has regressed to the 1600’s where every touch is
like playing Russian roulette and the coffin makers seem to be the happiest of
folk. Whilst the absence of certain students could cause one to replicate a
yellow obsessed munchkin, the constant absence of staff can lead one to wonder
if Ted Bundy had a reasonable excuse. I have found myself covering a multitude
of lessons with students whose graves would be shallow merely from the fact
that I wouldn’t want to waste my energies. Such was my time with a particular
class during a rather stressful animal handling session. First of all I had to
deal with the barnacle. An annoying little sucker that wont fucking shift. The
barnacle is small and likes to invade your personal space. I saw my granddad use
all sorts of sharp implements to remove them off his small fishing boat and now
I am sure it would provide some satisfaction. After I ditched the barnacle
there was the ‘I get makeup tips from a drag queen’ bunch. I saw one rather
snottily cry last week; I watched in amazement as the tramp lines formed and
the tissue looked progressively like it had been used by a masturbating oompah
loompah. Conversations were very traumatising:
“Do I have to hold it”
“Yes”
“But I don’t like animals”
“Well then you chose the perfect course doing animal care didn’t
you? Really your genius knows no bounds. What do you want to do?”
“Er hair and beauty”
Drag queens of the world rejoice, your saviour has arrived.
Upon turning around I saw a student happily going into the
enclosure of a particularly nasty socpion. Apparently the big red skull and crossbones
on the tank only served as an enticement. I considered for a moment simply watching it
unfold, however it would have been a lot of paperwork. So instead I settled
with the bollocking of his life whilst pointing out that he should feel free to
wet himself as it would be the highlight of my rather boring week.
The one lesson worth covering was a heart dissection.
However my turning an ox heart into a hand puppet was not received well. Some people
really don’t have a sense of humour. When I was a student it was perfectly acceptable
to hide a pigs heart in someone’s bag for being a pathetic drama queen. Ok so
it wasn’t acceptable but it was funny.
So after a two weeks’ worth of covering peoples lessons I am
now holding out for the Easter holidays.
